God, I felt that today I absolutely had to get out and go for a mocha, and I had a couple things to do in town, and all this and all that. But just after I left the house, I had no idea where I was going, and felt extremely “zoned out” and “out of it”. As if something were washing over me, and wanted my lower self out of the way, as this “Cosmic ‘zone out’ energy” came through me.
Part of it was just getting the h— out of the house and away from my Dad. Even though he wasn’t really doing anything “to” me. I just felt this great “pressure”, and my mind and body felt as if they were going to burst.
The “pressure” I feel sometimes is occasionally overwhelming. Take care of Dad’s daily meals, deal with items that come up, now there’s a trust coming in to protect his assets, a new will, changing bank accounts’ information, unexpected unpaid bills, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.
I was just feeling “bent in half” after I got back to the house and there were questions about where this document was, and it must be searched for right now… and that’s when I just said, I’m taking a walk… in the snow.
That was walk 1 in the snow (in the afternoon). Later, in the evening, came walk 2. Some four-letter words and occasional screaming and yelling were used in walk 1 (letting out the steam), and then none at all, just joyful noises, during walk 2.
There are still times when I want all this to be over. Or, I want to turn all this financial and legal stuff (aka, “crap”) over to someone else. I mean, most of the time I’m just dealing with certain items, but trying to read some legal type document tonight was absolutely “horrible”… to my lower brain, at least.
Yes, there are people handling it, but I’m the “this or that person that is being signed up to do this or that in case this or that happens”… apparently.
I am going to return, at some point, to a place where I deal with NONE of that, but it’s a process. I’m here to be a steward to my father (and mother) right now, and I’m willing to wade through some of what I call “crap”, to do that.
Enjoy the snow, enjoy the “crap”, until you realize it’s really, “Holy Crap”!